I know that many of you must look at me, see my boyish charm, my twinkling eyes alight with a subtle combination of wisdom and humor and think I lead quite the leisurely lifestyle. A life perhaps full of comfort and ease where my only worry is the fluffiness of my current pillow and blanket set. This however is only half the truth. I am constantly juggling a myriad of projects and tasks. And while I do try and take some time off to myself these occasions are few and far between. The thing with taking time off is you always come back to more work than when you left.
There are very specific tasks which are my sole responsibility and which if left undone would throw us all into a downward spiral of uncertainty. My main duty, and one which I take very seriously, is janitorial support in the kitchen. My job is to sit at attention, usually near the hot metal box, and stare intently up at whoever is making something tasty. I keep a look out for any stray crumbs, spills, or food bits that might fall down on the floor. Then I use my lightning quick reflexes to gobble it right up…I mean clean up the mess…before anyone sees. Being fast is crucial. If you take too long you’ll miss your chance before someone notices and cleans it up for you, and then my reputation would be tarnished forever. Of course, as is the plight of all genius, I am not properly appreciated in my time. My mom and dad have taken to calling me “housekeeping,” but they way they say it I hear a certain amount of mockery in their tone. I choose to ignore said mockery and adopt the name as a badge of honor. Yes I do keep the house, thank you for noticing!
Speaking of keeping house, I am also in charge of border control in order to keep us all safe within the house. I am constantly vigilant for any intruders, be they of the lizard, spider, crazy Yorki, or fat guy variety. I walk the perimeter during random times so as not to create a weakness in my defenses by being predictable. When I sense a possible invasion I sound the alarm and put on my Grrr Face! It is important to be swift and merciless, or else you give them time to regroup. You can ask my mom and dad about the success of my tactics. Or even better you could ask the frog in the backyard last week that tried to get into the house. Oh wait, you can’t. Because it’s dead! That’s right. I run a tight ship and anyone trying to get past me best keep that in mind.
Another of the responsibilities that falls on my shoulders is visitor inspection. During those times when my mom and dad choose to allow someone to enter the house I have to make sure they pass a vigorous series of tests to determine if they are safe. I start off by meeting them at the door for visual confirmation and to let them know, “Yes, I see you seeing me. We will be getting to know each other very well in the next few minutes; don’t you worry about that!” Then I follow up with a scent exploration technique so top secret I cannot go into details at this time. Let’s just say there isn’t anything about you I’m not going to uncover. Had tacos for lunch? Have a feline co-conspirator at home? Prefer Irish Spring soap? Wore that shirt two days in a row? Duly noted my friend. Duly noted! If further investigation is required I might even administer a taste test. A well placed lick in the ankle area can reveal a surprising amount of information. Dry, salty skin? Make sure to keep a look out in case steals water from my water dish or when he goes to the bathroom in case he tries to steal mom’s body lotion. Never can trust someone who isn’t properly hydrated. If during all these tests the results continue to come back suspicious I turn on the alarm system. This consists of non-stop barking in their general direction along with a lot of Grrrr Face. This way my mom and dad know that they should discontinue house access to them and place them on the “Persona Non-Grata” list. That’s Latin for you better not come back or you’ll end up like a frog I used to know! Or at least develop a definite hearing problem after I keep barking right into your ear.
So as you can see my life is not all blankets and tasty treats. I am a definite contributor to this house and if it weren’t for me who knows where my mom and dad would be today. Probably with a dirty house full of frogs and no lotion because people keep coming in here to steal it all. All I have to say is, your welcome! Oh and I would also say, hey let’s up the treat distribution schedule please!
Flash's Tip of the Day:
And feed me.
Fear me and feed me!